Fem Shep Musings
by vaggiterian
Summary: My love for Thane was of an entirely different nature to that I shared with Liara.
1. Liara

_Liara taught me to die. _

_When I was a gang member on Earth, I learnt that to get what you want, you had to take it. That your superiors (I thought of them as my superiors) had literally no interest in protecting you or helping you. I broke my hand four times before I realized that punching people with your thumb inside your fist was wrong. When I was recruited into the military… I wanted to change that. I made the hard decisions nobody else wanted to make, and people died because of me, but I always did what I had to do in order to save the little people, the people that nobody cared about. The higher-ups would always take care of themselves, I figured. I wanted to make the council see that Humans weren't inferior._

_It was simple with Kaiden and Ash. They were humans too, they wanted the best for us. They were so moral, I knew they'd die for me in a heartbeat - I thought it was because we shared an origin. They were just my crew, there to eye me with disapproval while I punched assholes in the face and informed the world that the first Human spectre wasn't just going to stand idly by while the Reapers subjugated us all. They argued like piranhas over a corpse while I was off saving the universe (but of course all those people who judged my methods were perfectly happy to devour the fruit of my results)._

_Galactic politics had… Never been my strong point. Having been running on instincts for so long, it actually became a running joke with Joker that I would cut off the Council whenever they called. Had they not been projections, I probably would have lashed out at them too. Udina was probably going crazy behind the scenes (Kaiden made a far better Spectre than me). But even though the Council were every bit the superior assholes I thought they would be, I couldn't say the same for all aliens. Garrus proved to me that doing the right thing wasn't the same thing as being moral, Tali proved that duty was greater than any one race, Wrex proved that anyone was redeemable._

_Liara. Amongst the Salarians and the Turians, the Asari interested me the most. They weren't vicious (but they could be), they were calm and self-assured, and I envied them their millenium. I learnt that they listened to experience and that they accepted you - no matter what race you were. They found a use for everyone, they were the glue that held the galaxy together, and they proved that women could be strong. Like amazons, though they did not have a gender. I suppose it was growing up on Earth, but they always seemed like a race of women to me, and I'm sure, to the rest of the galaxy. And that was what mattered really, the strength they demonstrated to others. _

_When we rescued Liara on Therum, I was captivated by how calm Liara was, even while suspended in a force field. I knew that, had I been in a situation like her, I would have died fighting my way out before suspending myself, helpless. Perhaps it had been the only viable option to her, but it said something to me. Liara trusted - I don't know what, fate, other people, her Goddess, but I couldn't relate to it at all. But when you live as long as the Asari, you start to see patterns in things, the big picture I could never grasp because I was too busy fighting. Out of them all, she was the most valuable member of my team on the SR-1. Not because she too, could blow shit up, but because she gave me the perspective I so desperately needed, even while we fought the small fights. While the others gave me hope that every tiny thing I did would somehow have an impact on the galaxy, that I could make a difference, Liara grounded me. In my 150 years, I realised that no matter what I did, I would become a memory (sweet or bitter), and that I would die. I would die while Dr. Liara T'soni and our theoretical children lived on._

_I could die for that._


	2. Thane

_Thane taught me to live._

_I killed the Council out of necessity, though of course nobody else seemed to see it that way. I would have died in moment to destroy that Reaper, and it didn't even occur to me that people might resent their sacrifice. Wasn't sacrifice meant to be something good and noble? For the safety of the galaxy? I __thought __that was what morals were all about. The backlash really made something obvious… Politicians were only out for themselves. No matter what they said they were doing for their race, it was all a lie. And Udina? Udina was the greatest of liars, second only the Illusive Man himself. I couldn't bear the thought of Anderson (A soldier, a leader, someone worthy of protection.) being caught up in the terrible, tainted__hell__that was Council politics. So I supported Udina in the wake of the destruction, deciding that the relatively short-sighted view of Humans might not only serve to support the galaxy, but also to further the cause against us being inferiors._

_"Had to be me. Someone else might have gotten it wrong."__Udina was apparently as wrong as it came, and I didn't even hesitate when I put a bullet through his face. Didn't you get it Udina? You're just a__tool__. You can die like everyone else._

_Dying changed me. I woke up to a lab and a set of breasts in my face, and from that point forth I figured nothing I did made any sort of difference. I didn't even know if I was __me__ anymore, whether I could even tell. The memories were intact, but when I stared at the fish in the low blue light, I realised that the memories could have been false. Implanted. I was a__fake__walking, my only value to fight an enemy who was not even the true enemy. The Collectors were a distraction from the real problem, but it was all I could do to fill my ears with the ringing sound of gunfire and hope that I would find peace among the dead bodies of Geth. A loose cannon, no restraints. I knew Miranda was reporting on me, and Jacob… He couldn't possibly understand my identity crisis. Not really. Jack seemed to be me in a decade or two, how I would have responded had I been held back like she had. I felt a__vicious satisfaction__watching her tear things apart, cussing at the crew and the world, generally being everything I wanted to be. It was therapeutic having her there to express what I shouldn't - and I always did, even while Miranda insisted on accompanying me. I think she worried Jack and I would have caused some major destruction if not diffused… Judging by that Cerberus base, the concern wasn't unfounded._

_Well into the investigation, the Illusive Man forwarded me further files on potential recruits. I wanted to avoid Tali for a while - Having Garrus avoid most any conversation with me apart from 'I'm calibrating, Shephard', was hard enough without Tali judging me for steamrolling through anything and everyone. So I went to recruit the assassin._

_Ilium was always exceptionally pretty. The entire team thought so - though Jack expressed it as 'this place could be Omega'. Seeing as it wasn't, it was practically a__compliment__. Asari ingenuity, Miranda said - reminded me of Liara. Speaking of, I think it was her becoming an information broker that really hurt me. Liara was like… A constant. I guess,__stupidly__, I'd hoped that while I'd changed, she'd become a compass, something to return to, a pigeon finding it's way home… But though we kissed, I knew it could never be the same again. She wasn't '__my__Liara', the sweet Asari who'd apologised for being socially awkward, whose interest in me had extended beyond being touched by the Protheans, over time. It seemed she'd gone and developed all these connections without me… So I stopped being attached to her. Or, as well as I could. Some stupid part of me had hoped that she'd give me that perspective again, but all the encounter did was break my heart - she didn't need me, she barely even seemed to__want__me. Though I wanted to help, she didn't even seem to consider it for more than a moment. A wall had come between us, and it reminded me about how Asari love and then move on. It pains them, I know they grieve, but Liara had done her grieving, and it seemed there was no space left for me, the new me. The kiss was perfunctory, even verging on friendly. I__never__wanted to do it again._

_Using Liara's information, I tracked down Thane. (Or rather, I tracked down his target, because I couldn't've possibly tracked down him.) When he told me he was dying, and I compared it to the casual way in which he'd broken that man's neck, I figured he was pretty much the perfect crew member - just like me, his only value was that which the mission gave him. Miranda, Grunt, Mordin, they all had reasons to be there, reasons to continue to live. And if we didn't find a way to get through the Omega-4 relay and back? Well, at least someone wouldn't fucking__resent__me when they went. So I talked to him. A lot. When you're suspicious that most everyone aboard your ship thinks you're a train about to crash, you talk to the people you… Trust. And let's face it, Jack was never the talking type. I found out about his religion, his redemption, his wife and his… son. And I realised - I realised that those endless hours of conversation in the life support room, the gentle way he told me he was thinking (he was never__busy__, he was thinking.), the way his eyes glittered like the view in the Observation Deck, they led to this moment where I felt a shameful envy._

_*__Why her?__* I thought bitterly. *__Why does she get to have you for so long?__* It was Liara all over again - jealousy for the things I couldn't have, pushing back against biological limitations, somewhere between envy and greed, I wanted all of this good thing, as much as I could have. And though I__hated__Kolyat for being the representation of all the things Thane and I could never be, I went to save him. Not for Kolyat, not because of some displaced parental instinct, but because Thane wanted redemption, wanted peace. If saving this child would keep Thane with me, it was a small price to pay. They talked and talked after, and I even convinced the only (Current) C-Sec officer with a brain cell to keep him safe… And away from me._

_I__knew__Thane was dying. I knew__why__. I__knew__there were cures in development and I did my research, I looked into what I could do to change his fate, and I thought he didn't even know. But nothing you ever did on that damn Cerberus vessel was private. After knowing looks from Miranda and an…__Interesting__conversation with Mordin, I decided to be straight with him. Being subtle was never really my thing anyway. So I told him, I was plain, and waiting for an answer while he thought about it was more torture than a Prothean device drilling into your brain._

**_Siha._**

_A dying man taught me that the reality of approaching death was not a reason to embrace it. With me, he said, there was something to live for.__Be alive with me.__The unspoken words - stay alive for me, stay with me as long as you can. I can't bear to lose you. And even though I lost Kelly and Chakwas and all of my crew, I kept every damn one of them alive. Because Thane taught me that life mattered - every life. For every moment it has left._

_When I was on Earth, I despaired__._


End file.
